TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

So anyone that's talked with me beyond the small talk knows that it hasn't exactly been my week. I've had different people cancel on me last minute 2 days in a row, and then I had to cancel my own new york plans this weekend because of work. so bummed about that! but life goes on, and I know I will see my cancellation friends soon.

I don't necessarily want my writings on here to become a place for deep personal and emotional sharing, ...or maybe I do... but right now it's not the habit I want to cultivate for this blog. today will be a bit of an exception.

I had some time today to myself after my early morning doctors appointment and so I stopped by my parents' house and sat in the backyard. our cat that we just had to put down not that long ago is buried there. I know he's "just a pet" but I miss him to pieces everyday. if you've ever had a pet you know what I'm talking about.

I was writing and thinking and praying and trying to just sit with and face some of the gloominess running through me from this week, since some old fears/struggles had come back to haunt me again. While I was sitting there I was reminded of these words someone had said me to about a year ago while sitting in a park in Santa Monica while overlooking the ocean:

"I'm SO excited that you exist."

As happy as I was in that moment, these words still wound me today when I am reminded of them. even if not as intensely, any at all is too much. I believed this person at the time and of course this is only a small part of the story, but at the end of the day their words and actions didn't match up. And I realized I should have shaken the dust off my boots and walked away a lot sooner.

Its strange how deep words can cut. how long things can linger.

But it really made me think, do I believe God when He says about me "I'm SO excited that you exist!!" ...do I believe that He says that about me? that He loves me not because He 'has to' love me by default or because I am just there, because I am one of his special and beloved ones? days like today I struggle to feel it.

from an underoath song:

So hold your head up high and know it's not the end of the road
Walk down this beaten path before you pack your things and head home
At the end of the road you'll find what you've been longing for

I know 'cause my feet have scars to show
I was lost with vague direction and no place to call home

Now is the time for you to press on
This is not your war
Set your sights due North and press on
This is not your escape
Wash away what they thought of you
Because in this place, we're all as good as dead
end cycle

Behind the mask you'll find yourself alone
It's not the end of the road for you
At the end of the road, you'll find what you've been longing for

My Days Go On & On

wow.
where to BEGIN!

so much stuff to update about.
but its such good stuff, so here I go:

::GRAD SCHOOL::

As of Monday at 4pm, I became a free woman! turned in my last paper for the quarter and for the year! so now I'm done for the summer, aside from my internship -- I'm beyond stoked. SOOOO RELIEVED! pretty optimistic about this summer and having time for a full social life once again :) most importantly though, its crazy to think that I am officially done my first year of grad school and halfway through my master's program! My mom reminded me the other day that a year ago I was freaking out about where I was going to go to school, where I would live, etc. I was so confused about it all and having the toughest time deciding. Now looking back on that, it absolutely blows my mind how much has happened, how much I've grown and learned and changed. God's goodness and faithfulness has been incredible.

::GREG LASWELL::
one of the up and coming new artists to grace the singer-songwriter world.
newish, but not really...his stuff gets played on grey's anatomy sometimes if you follow that scene at all. he's kind of folky, but just plain awesome and talented.
my good friend blake got me into him a little over a year ago because Greg is a friend of blake's, and blake has done some photography for him. ANYWAY, we all saw Greg play about a year ago at the Roxy in Hollywood and it was a good time.

two sundays ago, June 1, I had the privilege to go see him play a sort of surprise, low-key show on the roof of Whole Foods' parking lot on south street here in philly.
it was absolutely perfect.

even though I was like one of 3 people that heard about it and actually came out, Greg didn't seem to care, he was kicking off his months-long tour with ingrid michaelson that night at the TLA, so he was in good spirits. as were we, the 3 people or so that sat there soaking it all in with big smiles on our faces.

I tell you, the setting was perfect. Warm sunny weather, city skyline behind the stage, perfect breeze, and I'm sitting there listening to a bunch of really good new tracks I hadn't heard before..

It felt like I was a private show where there were playing just for me.
I seriously couldn't have been happier.
here is a picture of that day:



and here is an old photo i found from the show at the roxy in feb 07:



yes. so great!

so in line with all this, lately I've been chatting with friends about what it means for art and music to have "soul" in it. i.e. beauty, feeling, life, goosebumps...to me this really just means GOD, because I believe God is within and around and creator of all things beautiful, and alive. To me, anything with "soul" points me to God and His awesomeness that is infinite and amazing, regardless of whether the label of "Christian" is tacked onto it. In fact, I'm not a fan of doing that in general. Labeling certain music or art or books as Christian can be a dangerous thing because all to easily becomes exclusive and leading to "us" "them" categories. Besides the fact that there's a good bunch of art that has been labeled as Christian and is NOT good quality or artistically at all and definitely lacks that "soul".

Last night I watched a movie with some serious SOULNESS.
It's called ONCE starring Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova, he's from Ireland, she czech republic. I don't want to give away the film or anything for people that haven't seen it, but it mostly focuses on the extraordinary music the two of them make together in this spontaneous whirlwind of a week. one of the songs from the film won the 2008 Oscar for Best Song. What's so cool is that these two make music together in real life, and became a real life couple after the film (they already knew each other before the film was made and were already playing music together in Prague ---yeah i know, how could you NOT fall in love in that city and WITH that city for that matter!!!! *cough* <michael adams!>
anyway, I pretty much listened to the soundtrack 33 times in row in the past 24 hours especially during my 2+ hours drive back from York today. Do the right thing and go listen to it, or at least the main song that won the oscar, 'Falling Slowly' on the movie website link I gave above or you can click here.



I should also add that Glen Hansard is not a newcomer by any means. He's the front man of the awesome band THE FRAMES from Ireland. They've been around for awhile and are a really talented group.

I can't resist ending this post with the beautiful lyrics to the ONCE song
I just love it.

Glen Hansard - Falling Slowly Lyrics

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react

And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black

You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

Trying Not to Lose My Mind and or Soul

Mom, don't read this one!

today I woke up at 11 am with a start when my friend Seong Ah knocked on my door ready to start our all day studying extravaganza.

we hit the ground running--- read, wrote, and highlighted ourselves silly in between freak outs about the insane amount of work to be done and email/facebook breaks. just kidding, but not really..

me being me, I still managed to do all of this, save the world, AND be home for dinner by 6. PLUS a few other amazing accomplishments...

Top 5 incredulous things I managed to do today IN LIEU of studying for finals:

5. microwaving M&M's
4. writing a firery email to a white supremacy group challenging some of their beliefs
3. reorganizing the pictures, cards, and magnets on my refrigerator
2. going with my friend to all 16 floors in our building to every trashroom, looking for treasures that people are a-tossin! and I DID find some things! (college students throw out TONS of perfectly awesome stuff during move-out times!!)
1. writing this post

me and seong: "LET US DIE."