"No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible."

-Voltaire.

This week I've been very pensive.

Such a momentous historic event of seeing the first African-American individual elected as President is not short of inspiring for thought, whether you voted for the man or not. I've seen this election bring out a lot of facets of us human beings, and sadly, it's been very polarizing as it's been unifying. I've been saddened to see the conflict and heated disagreement around me, fear-mongering (a 2012 letter by you know who!!!!) single-issue voting, and an understandable despair about our current economic prognosis and what ought to be done about it.

So, ok. Welcome to the Human Race. We conflict, we don't see things the same way, and we often hurt each other in the process. Sometimes in epic proportions.

But all of this leaves me thinking about conflict and what do we do about it and what really is conflict resolution? Where does forgiveness fit into that?

Last night I went to an event put on by The Gospel and Culture Project which included viewing award-winning documentary "As We Forgive" about the 1994 genocide in Rwanda followed by a discussion with Rwandan nationals, a professor from Westminster Theological Seminary, and psychologist Diane Langberg, whom I'd been dying to meet!! The documentary asks the question: Could you forgive the person(s) who murdered your family? It follows the reconciliation efforts of a community, specifically in the lives of two genocide survivors, Rosaria and Chantale, who come face-to-face with the men who killed their families, as the men are released back into the very communities they once helped to destroy. Completely powerful and heartwrenching, this film was actually a student academy award winner for Best Documentary for 2008.

There were many aspects of the film and the discussion that followed that are worthy of talking about and digesting more. I was so glad to have discovered an organization that is excited to create a place for dialogue about tough issues and a learning environment for people who are passionate about how the Gospel and Culture intersect. But the thing that grabbed me the most was how counterintuitive this idea of reconciliation after a genocide like that seemed. I mean, for real? These people slaughtered innocent families. moms. dads. CHILDREN. Is their confession and repentance genuine? What would real reconciliation look like? Could victims and perpetrators coexist and live in the same communities again, as they once did prior to the genocide?

I'm not gonna go into all the history and complexity of this tragic event...I feel like right now that stuff is beyond me and it was definitely not a one-time, you disrespected me type of transaction. In the same token, I don't believe that forgiveness is the one-time, begrudging transaction many of us were lead to think it is either. Time, grieving, and divine help is a major player here.

How is that for conflict for you? I'm not attempting to speak into the lives of all humanity to tell them must immediately reconcile with people that have wronged them, especially in such monumental ways. Though there is a true freeing that often comes for the one doing the forgiving, honestly I can't begin to fathom what I would do or how I would respond if I were in those women's shoes. But this really challenges me in looking at conflict and the issues of forgiveness and conflict resolution in perhaps a different light.

I believe that we will not see complete harmony and justice in their perfection on this earth; we are a very broken people. I do believe we get glimpse's of it amongst each other at times, and Jesus gave us the ultimate picture of Love, Sacrifice, Forgiveness, and Freedom in Him. Thankfully, His Father and our Creator is the perfect judge whose throne is built on justice, righteousness and mercy, and one day we WILL see justice through Him. But in the meantime, how DO we love our neighbor as ourselves? How do you turn the other cheek? How do you forgive your trespassers? How do we live with people we disagree with and not necessarily be set on trying to change them?

One of my family therapy professors says that all couples and families experience conflict; it is the successful ones that can resolve it. Initially, I interpreted this as meaning that resolution meant, "I've convinced you of my correctness, you are now on my side, we see eye to eye, or even vice versa". I'm starting to think that maybe it may look like this at times, but real conflict resolution is being able to live with the differences, and the flaws (cause we all have em folks) and LOVING EACH OTHER THROUGH THE CONFLICT.

This is my challenge to myself. This is my call to arms.
The arms that hug, that is :-)

Underoath: In Regards to Self (love them!!)

Wake up wake up my God this is not a test
And it's not too late to come clean
Get it off your chest
So steady your hand before your face and concentrate
There's got to be some stable ground left to walk on

So tear another page from the book
Are you asleep or just alone
Clear this room from your lungs
And pull yourself together man

On your back, you're sleeping in a bed of shame
Let the light breathe some new life into this room
It's what keeps you coming back
Made up of insatiable taste
Bury your head in your hands and sink into yourself

Just what are you so afraid of
You're staring truth in the face, so come on down

You're busy living now aren't you
You're busy making vows
You're coming unglued
Time is shorter than you know
I know the light is blinding to the naked eye
So why don't you take steps away from being alone
I swear it's not too late for you

It's all worth reaching for the hand to pull you out
Wake up and step outside your box
Wake up

The Day After Change

I know it's been awhile since I've written and in the near future I'd like to change that. Somehow life and internship work in particular has made that more difficult for me than I'd like, but after the day of such a historic election, I wanted to leave you with some words and encouragement that one of my favorite people had to say:

this is from the blog of wendy melchior once again! :)

After all the hype of yesterday – long lines at polling centers and election results rolling in – I woke up today and everything inside my bedroom looks the same.

I’m glad we voted yesterday in a historic election. But today, let’s:

Use less
Love someone who is unlovable
Listen longer
Take time to pray
Pick up some trash that we didn’t drop
Give up something we want in order to bless someone else, whether he or she has earned it or not
Respect both the winner and the loser
Advance peace

Change is more than rhetoric. Regardless of who you voted for, it’s time to move. It was never really about one man anyway.

Thoughts From the Curb

Friend, colleague (ok, well maybe not colleague but more like 'mentor'), and fellow blogger Wendy Melchior wrote a great post today on her blog, Tripping.
short but sweet, will make you think.
just how I like it.

go give a read :-)

Burdens Into Blessings

A couple of riveting news stories today caught my eye while I was workin on my fitness this afternoon at the gym. One was about a father-son rescue from being in the open waters of the Atlantic for 12 hours off the Florida Coast. For hours there was no rescue signs or helicopters or boats insight and they were at the mercy of a rip-tide. The 12-year-old son, Christopher, is autistic and mostly nonverbal except for being able to recite some catchphrases from some of his favorite Disney movies. Christopher and his 46-year-old father, Walter, shouted some of these back and forth to each other as they fought to stay alive and waited to be rescued on the open sea. "To infinity!" Dad shouted, "And beyond!" came his son's reply. Christopher's autism allowed to him not have fear in this situation because of his fascination with water and its soothing effect on him. Walter says Christopher's laughing and giddiness during this frightening situation is what help to keep him relatively calm and hopeful himself during moments when it all seemed like a lost cause. Eventually after getting separated from each other and fighting against stinging jellyfish, the two were rescued by the coast guard and reunited. You can watch the father's reaction to the coast guard in the aftermath as he thanks them and yells "the coast guard ROCKS!!"


The second story was much more tragic. Five years ago this week, husband and father of 4 Robert Rogers lost his wife and young children to drowning when a flash flood swept their minivan off a Kansas highway in September of 2003. Rogers, a former mechanical engineer, now spends his time traveling around the country speaking to people about finding hope in the midst of tragedy and has dedicated himself to an extraordinary charity project: he will build 5 orphanages on 5 different continents, each in honor to one of his family members that he lost in the flood. So far, one such children's home in honor of his wife, "Melissa Home", has been opened Russia and houses 8 teenage girls. Construction on a second one has begun in Rwanda.

In the face of unthinkable loss and tragedy, Rogers has maintained that he never became bitter towards God and his faith has remained intact. He stated that he didn't see the point of being angry, but wanted to do something constructive by telling his story to others and opening the five orphanages.

Both of these stories quieted me a bit inside because I felt blown away by them. Both are stories of survival, but only one is of rescue. Both are examples of how God can turn the burdens of our lives into blessings. He can bring good out of the bad. "Even when a man lost his entire family in some freaky flashflood?" I asked myself today..YES.

And how a parent must feel when their child is diagnosed with Autism...I can only imagine. Surely there are worse things, but this one can be daunting nonetheless. It amazes me to think about how the fact that it was 12 year old Christopher's 'illness' or 'disability' that helped him and his father to survive those harrowing 12 hours out to sea. together and apart.

Furthermore, I felt blown away by Robert Roger's reaction to the unspeakable loss he has endured. Though he STILL grieves and cries for his loss years later, he is/was not bitter. or angry, or wtf God! Would I react like that? Would I remain strong in my knowledge of who God is? I am being challenged today about these things, but also reminded about how mighty He is in the midst of any circumstance we might face.

I encourage you to read the rest of the news stories in their fullness via the links I've included. They are rich with emotion and inspiration.

burdens into blessings.
this has been my prayer for the troubles I've been facing and I have seen Him do it.

Will the Real McShady Please Stand Up?

Sophocles said it's better to "die with honor than to succeed with fraud."

My wise, witty, Dr.-House-resembling supervisor recently added that "the narcissist only wants you to hold up the mirror for him." (we love u J!)

In an ever-morphing world of relational trends and practices, tonight I'm thinking about what it means to have honor, integrity, and basically be the opposite of SHADY.

Let's face it. Nobody likes a player, nobody wants to be mislead, nobody wants to get their hopes up only to be crushed out of nowhere. But we still do it. We still think the person will change and WE will be the catalyst. It probably takes a couple of let-downs to learn how to walk away early on.

I just got off the phone with a very perplexed female friend who recently had the whole relationship 180 thing happen to her. We talked about the signs and symptoms of this guy, who randomly started doing the whole "not calling when they said they would" deal, "working late", "on call", "you're overreacting", blah blah blah and the list goes on. Most of us have experienced this before, and while not the most grievous of offenses, it still leaves us with a WTF feeling.

This is something I see a lot with wonderful girl friends of mine (guys too) and I've had it happen to me as well. I'm not all up in arms about it, but I'm puzzled. It just seems like a colossal waste of time. Why so much shadyness? Are people really that unclear about what they want or are they so disconnected from considering the feelings of others? Do we blame technology for turning us into people who are secretly relieved to stay anonymous and distant behind our computer screens?

Maybe this isn't a more recent trend among young men and women. Maybe it's been like this always and all I know is "my time" in the early twenty-first century. But talking to my smart, funny, cute friend tonight and listening to her story reminded me of some of my stories, and how this kind of hollow behavior still makes zero sense.

It also makes me completely grateful and joyful that Life is MORE than this stuff, than the McShadesters and their shady ways. It's bigger than the hurt and disappointment people cause one another, because He who created me is for me and Mighty to save.

In Sickness and In Health.

For the past few days, I've been sick mostly at home with some sort of sinus infection, accompanied by a stubborn fever that won't seem to leave. Last night it kept me up until nearly 5am.. my body was hot and cold at the same time, and my head throbbed. Finally I got up and had a snack consisting of the closest, easiest thing I could grab: four slices of bread and butter with water. Half-awake, I tried to watch an episode of 'Flight of the Conchords', a short-lived TV series that enough people recommended to me to get my attention! and that it most certainly did. finally, my fever seemed to cool down a little and eventually I drifted off to sleep. I have enough nightmares as it is, but let me tell you, fever dreams are much worse! Think Tom Cruise on the loose, trying to take over the world, and my family specifically, with his Scientology cloning and aliens and general mayhem. that has GOT to stop!

I've been getting really antsy being trapped in this quiet apartment for a few days and basically just laying around since I've been not feeling well. Thankfully, I had to go meet my old supervisor this afternoon a few blocks away, which gave me an excuse to get dressed and get out for a bit. On my way back, I decided to see if a slurpee might help cool down my slight fever I had going on. While walking by LOVE park on the way back to my dorm, I saw that a small, but passionate protest was going on in front of one of the city govt. buildings where DHS (dept. of human services) is housed.

For those of you not in the philly area, I'll update you. A news story broke about a week ago regarding a 14 year old disabled girl, Danieal (pronounced Danielle) Kelly [pictured above], who starved to death in her home during an August 2006 heat wave. Under the care of both her parents and DHS, she was still neglected (why doesn't really matter in my opinion) and died. Nine people were charged following her death, including her parents, friends of the mother, and 2 DHS social workers.

I'm unsure of whether this story made national headlines (I doubt it), but DHS is an agency that at times I interface with since I also work in the mental health field as an MFT intern... so I decided to stop and listen for awhile. Various people took turns speaking into the megaphone thing, and about 10 camera crew people filmed and snapped pictures. Others took notes. They called for justice and reform and change. They pleaded with the public to not sit by any longer, but to use their voices in protest. One lady read a wonderful poem illustrating this point.

A little while later while walking home, I thought of the words of the Mayor from a meeting he held a few days ago. Addressing Danieal Kelly directly he said: "As a city government, we have failed you." He's right, and its utterly tragic.

As for the where's, why's, who's, how's etc, I don't know how this case slipped through the cracks or how anyone could be so careless. But I do know that this is not how it's supposed to be. This is nothing remotely close to the treatment people should receive from social services or in the mental health field. We are all to be held to a much higher standard than this. I personally want to voice my disgust over this whole situation...it still makes me shudder just thinking about it.

I know that I didn't know this little girl personally, but I see kids like her, who are neglected or mistreated, frequently in my line of work, and feel all the more compelled to NOT fail them or let them down. If we as professionals cannot get them what they need, then we need to get them to someone who can. I feel this applies to the larger community as well...neighbors, friends, relatives, everyone, and anyone.

So as I rest here in my apartment wishing my fever would go away and my head would stop aching, the temporary discomfort I feel seems to go a little bit numb while I think about these things. People deserve the best possible care because each one, each child especially, is precious and honored in His sight. Each one is worthy of our promise to stand by them in sickness and in health. If we can't do this for our spouses (and this is not to let anyone off the hook there either!), let's at least do it for the kids.

Dreams are bad?

Although I have a multitude of things to write home about and share updates on, we will save some of that for another day. For now, I draw the attention to the topic of DREAMS.

the nightly type.

for me, they've always been a big deal.

I seem to forever be at one extreme end or the other with them...I have great ones, or horrible ones. unfortunately I've had much more of the latter lately, and that's been going on for the past couple of years. it's gotten to the point where I've forgotten that it's normal to NOT have intense, unsettling dreams and or nightmares every night. Its NOT normal to continually have dreams about tornados or things that we don't want to describe chasing you and trying to hunt you down.

Usually during these regular nocturnal episodes, I experience really intense feelings resulting from whatever ficticious events my subconscious happens to be generating, and because it all feels so intricately real, they tend to linger around me throughout the rest of the day. Fantasy, without asking first, invades reality (well, MY reality).

I was thinking about it today, and find it strange how our dreams can make us feel powerful emotions that we don't happen to be feeling at the time in our day-to-day comings and goings. It can stimulate parts of our brain and limbic system all because of things going on in the internal psyche. [I'm not making any sense, am I]....anyway, I still find this fascinating. but it leaves me only asking more questions... what's behind our dreams? God? the television? bad spirits? unresolved conflict? or simply a way in which we are whispering into our own ears?

I do have someone (actually a few people) that I talk to about dreams from time to time, and I try to do other helpful things to clear my mind before I go to sleep at night. So far it hasn't seemed to make a whole lot of difference. It just feels out of my control.

It's 12:29am and although I am nowhere near jumping into bed, still I wonder where I will be taken tonight?

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

So anyone that's talked with me beyond the small talk knows that it hasn't exactly been my week. I've had different people cancel on me last minute 2 days in a row, and then I had to cancel my own new york plans this weekend because of work. so bummed about that! but life goes on, and I know I will see my cancellation friends soon.

I don't necessarily want my writings on here to become a place for deep personal and emotional sharing, ...or maybe I do... but right now it's not the habit I want to cultivate for this blog. today will be a bit of an exception.

I had some time today to myself after my early morning doctors appointment and so I stopped by my parents' house and sat in the backyard. our cat that we just had to put down not that long ago is buried there. I know he's "just a pet" but I miss him to pieces everyday. if you've ever had a pet you know what I'm talking about.

I was writing and thinking and praying and trying to just sit with and face some of the gloominess running through me from this week, since some old fears/struggles had come back to haunt me again. While I was sitting there I was reminded of these words someone had said me to about a year ago while sitting in a park in Santa Monica while overlooking the ocean:

"I'm SO excited that you exist."

As happy as I was in that moment, these words still wound me today when I am reminded of them. even if not as intensely, any at all is too much. I believed this person at the time and of course this is only a small part of the story, but at the end of the day their words and actions didn't match up. And I realized I should have shaken the dust off my boots and walked away a lot sooner.

Its strange how deep words can cut. how long things can linger.

But it really made me think, do I believe God when He says about me "I'm SO excited that you exist!!" ...do I believe that He says that about me? that He loves me not because He 'has to' love me by default or because I am just there, because I am one of his special and beloved ones? days like today I struggle to feel it.

from an underoath song:

So hold your head up high and know it's not the end of the road
Walk down this beaten path before you pack your things and head home
At the end of the road you'll find what you've been longing for

I know 'cause my feet have scars to show
I was lost with vague direction and no place to call home

Now is the time for you to press on
This is not your war
Set your sights due North and press on
This is not your escape
Wash away what they thought of you
Because in this place, we're all as good as dead
end cycle

Behind the mask you'll find yourself alone
It's not the end of the road for you
At the end of the road, you'll find what you've been longing for

My Days Go On & On

wow.
where to BEGIN!

so much stuff to update about.
but its such good stuff, so here I go:

::GRAD SCHOOL::

As of Monday at 4pm, I became a free woman! turned in my last paper for the quarter and for the year! so now I'm done for the summer, aside from my internship -- I'm beyond stoked. SOOOO RELIEVED! pretty optimistic about this summer and having time for a full social life once again :) most importantly though, its crazy to think that I am officially done my first year of grad school and halfway through my master's program! My mom reminded me the other day that a year ago I was freaking out about where I was going to go to school, where I would live, etc. I was so confused about it all and having the toughest time deciding. Now looking back on that, it absolutely blows my mind how much has happened, how much I've grown and learned and changed. God's goodness and faithfulness has been incredible.

::GREG LASWELL::
one of the up and coming new artists to grace the singer-songwriter world.
newish, but not really...his stuff gets played on grey's anatomy sometimes if you follow that scene at all. he's kind of folky, but just plain awesome and talented.
my good friend blake got me into him a little over a year ago because Greg is a friend of blake's, and blake has done some photography for him. ANYWAY, we all saw Greg play about a year ago at the Roxy in Hollywood and it was a good time.

two sundays ago, June 1, I had the privilege to go see him play a sort of surprise, low-key show on the roof of Whole Foods' parking lot on south street here in philly.
it was absolutely perfect.

even though I was like one of 3 people that heard about it and actually came out, Greg didn't seem to care, he was kicking off his months-long tour with ingrid michaelson that night at the TLA, so he was in good spirits. as were we, the 3 people or so that sat there soaking it all in with big smiles on our faces.

I tell you, the setting was perfect. Warm sunny weather, city skyline behind the stage, perfect breeze, and I'm sitting there listening to a bunch of really good new tracks I hadn't heard before..

It felt like I was a private show where there were playing just for me.
I seriously couldn't have been happier.
here is a picture of that day:



and here is an old photo i found from the show at the roxy in feb 07:



yes. so great!

so in line with all this, lately I've been chatting with friends about what it means for art and music to have "soul" in it. i.e. beauty, feeling, life, goosebumps...to me this really just means GOD, because I believe God is within and around and creator of all things beautiful, and alive. To me, anything with "soul" points me to God and His awesomeness that is infinite and amazing, regardless of whether the label of "Christian" is tacked onto it. In fact, I'm not a fan of doing that in general. Labeling certain music or art or books as Christian can be a dangerous thing because all to easily becomes exclusive and leading to "us" "them" categories. Besides the fact that there's a good bunch of art that has been labeled as Christian and is NOT good quality or artistically at all and definitely lacks that "soul".

Last night I watched a movie with some serious SOULNESS.
It's called ONCE starring Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova, he's from Ireland, she czech republic. I don't want to give away the film or anything for people that haven't seen it, but it mostly focuses on the extraordinary music the two of them make together in this spontaneous whirlwind of a week. one of the songs from the film won the 2008 Oscar for Best Song. What's so cool is that these two make music together in real life, and became a real life couple after the film (they already knew each other before the film was made and were already playing music together in Prague ---yeah i know, how could you NOT fall in love in that city and WITH that city for that matter!!!! *cough* <michael adams!>
anyway, I pretty much listened to the soundtrack 33 times in row in the past 24 hours especially during my 2+ hours drive back from York today. Do the right thing and go listen to it, or at least the main song that won the oscar, 'Falling Slowly' on the movie website link I gave above or you can click here.



I should also add that Glen Hansard is not a newcomer by any means. He's the front man of the awesome band THE FRAMES from Ireland. They've been around for awhile and are a really talented group.

I can't resist ending this post with the beautiful lyrics to the ONCE song
I just love it.

Glen Hansard - Falling Slowly Lyrics

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react

And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black

You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

Trying Not to Lose My Mind and or Soul

Mom, don't read this one!

today I woke up at 11 am with a start when my friend Seong Ah knocked on my door ready to start our all day studying extravaganza.

we hit the ground running--- read, wrote, and highlighted ourselves silly in between freak outs about the insane amount of work to be done and email/facebook breaks. just kidding, but not really..

me being me, I still managed to do all of this, save the world, AND be home for dinner by 6. PLUS a few other amazing accomplishments...

Top 5 incredulous things I managed to do today IN LIEU of studying for finals:

5. microwaving M&M's
4. writing a firery email to a white supremacy group challenging some of their beliefs
3. reorganizing the pictures, cards, and magnets on my refrigerator
2. going with my friend to all 16 floors in our building to every trashroom, looking for treasures that people are a-tossin! and I DID find some things! (college students throw out TONS of perfectly awesome stuff during move-out times!!)
1. writing this post

me and seong: "LET US DIE."

no matter where I go you're in my bones.

*this is from something I posted a few weeks ago from facebook, but needs to see the light of blogspot ---just a lil summary for any interested folks!*

I firmly believe that when you're an artist, of ANY form, creativity/inspiration/whatever you wanna call it comes to you at some of the most unexpected and inconvenient times, and you have no choice but to get it all out and down on paper or onto the computer screen before it escapes you forever.

That's pretty much what's happening here.

I've been meaning to write about this for over a month now, but the spare time to organize my thoughts in this wonderful public setting has continued to evade me ---much to my frustration.

I'm nearly finished my first year of grad school (so hard to believe) and I'm really really thankful. Not only am I thankful to be nearly done that first year, I'm extremely thankful to be IN grad school and learning from many top notch professionals and educators. I'm thankful to have some pretty fantastic (and hilarious) people in my program that make me laugh in every class (and I them!!). I'm thankful to be about 45 minutes away from some of the people I've lived about a 5 hour plane ride away from during the past 7 years (and sometimes a 12 hour plane ride) namely my parents, sister, and extended family. And also, I'm really really thankful that there's only one more year of school after this one.

I spent part of 2006 and 2007 (about a year all together) in a wonderful time of life we call TRANSITION. yup, a whole year. Its not like I didn't do anything, cause I did. I lived with my cousins in Los Angeles, met some great friends through my life group at Christian Assembly, nannied for an awesome 6 yr old and equally talented 11 yr old, visited santa barbara, san fransisco, and san diego again, and lots of trips to orange county of course! Most importantly, I decided what was next and where I was going to go to school. That was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make in my life. Maybe it actually WAS the hardest, now that I think about it. Looking back, I don't even know how I actually MADE that decision. I just remember agonizing over and over and over about it. Finally, I chose Drexel and then I felt quietness inside, but in a good way. Really though, it was just the calm before the storm.

Things are hitting me now...reality that is. I said goodbye to a lot back there, in california. Upon driving away from my two "kids" Rachel and Ben for the last time at their house, I was surprised by my own flood of tears. Those two rascals drove me NUTS at times and probably I them (for not letting them get away with things all the time), we really bonded. All of my FAMILY out there...my French cousin and her husband with whom we had our weekly dinner + 24 nights + nonstop laughter, my little 2 yr old cousin Vienna from whom i was learning Armenian from (she's ridiculously smart and could actually translate between Armenian and English), my cousins Irene and Gerry who graciously opened their home to me, and my wonderful cousin Diane whom I simply ADORE. She's the big sister I never had, until we became roommates when I moved to Los Angeles after graduating from college. And not to forget all my amazing friends who I miss fiercely even now, ones from undergrad and new ones that I met in unexpected places and ways.
But oh, california. You had stolen my heart from day one. And you didn't really have to even try because you had one major, powerful, gets-me-anytime secret weapon: the ocean.

I just can't stand to be away from it. I think I would die if I had to live in Kansas, unless it was just for the summer where I could tag along with some storm chasers. But the ocean is like my lifeline. I feel like I have some weird connection with it. I think my parents were dead on in giving me the name that they did. Meredith means "from the sea".
But then there's the palm trees, the desert, the mountains, the SUN and its warmth... HOME. its in my bones.

No matter where you go, you're always missing someone or something. A LOT. at least this has been my experience. its hard for me at times, cause I'm such a sucker when it comes to my emotions and memories and people I love. Sometimes I wish I could just feel no emotions at all or at least be very seldom affected, but then I guess I wouldn't be me at all anymore. And that's definitely not ok with me!!! and probably not with many other people either. Still though, I hate goodbyes. I dread those times in my life where I feel like I don't belong anywhere or to anyone...where I feel like I don't have much control or idea about what is going to happen next. They inevitably do happen. Especially when you tend to not live in the same place year after year after year after year doing the same thing day after day after day. At the end of the day though, i wouldn't trade my life for anything. I just wouldn't.

So back to my original reason for writing this first and extremely lengthy monologue...it wasn't supposed to a trip down memory lane, but more like reflections on "life w/ grad school" type of deal. While I'm missing so many of the people and things I described above, I am also missing a few other things, like a social life, time for creative/artistic stuff I love to do, and an income. maybe just...independency? Its weird cause I'm 25, living in the supposedly free des Etats Unis, with a car and access to education and many other resources, but I DON'T feel very free. I mean, I shouldn't even be sitting here and WRITING this right now ---I'm supposed to be...being productive.
what.the.crap.
I feel like those parts of me are sleeping or dormant at the moment or something and when that happens, I don't feel quite like "me" anymore. its weird and sad and new and exciting and scary all at once.

you'll go backwards, but then, you'll go forwards again.

Thank you Coldplay song that ironically sounds a lot like radiohead.

well, with all that said, I guess I'm learning everyday that its okay if I don't really have time to paint or keep learning guitar and play it for the old people or sew or host fun parties for friends or skateboard on lunchbreaks at the beach or go to a bazillion concerts or free movie screenings or be in southern california. It doesn't mean I'll never be able to do those things again, I will, but right now they have to be put on the backburner for the most part, for a season.

so friends, there's a crazy long update for you, for those that have been hungry for some news from the captivating and elusive world of meredith munro. I miss and love you all very much and I hope this note finds you well and smiling! cheers.

Long/Creative Song Titles = Music to My Ears

Maybe it's cause I have a penchant for the unique and unexpected, but one of my favorite things, oddly enough, are long song titles. I don't know why, I just dig it. One band in particular has a habit of doing this, is Underoath
I will warn you though, don't click on that link unless you tend to be a fan of the hardcore/screamo/rock persuasion. If not your ears will not thank you! I on the other hand, am a lover of Underoath. I love their message and attitude as a group of christian musicians in the music scene. And the lyrics. Oh man. so soooo good! A super good friend of mine, Michael Adams, (LOVE THAT GUY) is also a very talented musician, and once described Underoath's music sort of as modern day psalms.

some good long titles of Underoath's include:

-I don't feel very receptive today.
-It's dangerous business walking out your front door.
-I got ten friends and a crowbar that says you ain't gonna do jack.
-Some seek forgiveness, others escape.
-There could be nothing after this.
-The impact of reason.

and some more from underoath drummer/vocalist Aaron Gillespie's side project
The Almost:

-I mostly like to copy other people
-They say you can never write I told you so in a song but here I go
-Call back when I'm honest

also, local philadelphia & english-teachin' band mewithoutYou has some pretty amazingly long and creative ones!!

-A glass can only spill what it contains
-I never said that I was brave
-Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt
-Tie me up! Untie me!

So great. yay for the little things in life that make you happy.

yay for people who think outside the box and can express some pretty intense thoughts/emotions through music and poetry.

I've got a lot of admiration for that! I've also been very lucky to see all of these bands play live and can't to do it again soon.

Alright, back to the part where I'm NOT procrastinating and actually writing my paper du jour!!!

beauty AND brains

Saturday night I went to a birthday party extravaganza down by Atlantic City and it was black tie. Being the poor grad student that I am, I was left to my own devices and limited cosmetology experience to do my own hair and make-up. I've done updo's on other people before and they actually came out pretty well, but that was then and this is now and I wanted a different style. Here's the result! I'm rather proud :)

Bamboo Birthday

When I was in St. Lucia for spring break in March (I KNOW!) my family and I went on a rainforest hike that lasted about 4 hours, and included a waterfall plunge and actual RAIN keeping us drenched and cool. How ironic. Anyway, at some point during the hike the guide stopped by a thicket of bamboo and shared some fascinating facts that I had never heard before. Bamboo can grow up to 18 inches IN A DAY and is as durable as steel. It only blossoms every 100 years or so, and right after the bamboo blossoms, it dies.

Of course, this probably isn't across the board for all species of this incredible plant, but nonetheless I was fascinated by this. How crazy is it, that the bamboo could spend its whole life, just growing and growing, and when it finally comes time to blossom, its at the end of its life. If only you are so lucky to be around at the right time during that 100 year or so lifespan to see the beauty at the very end.
This makes me think of how I am also something God created that is still growing, sometimes it feels like 18 inches in a day, other times 18 inches in 2 years but regardless I need to have patience. Will I be 100 when I finally bloom? Who will be around to see it? Sometimes I wonder these things, but then I remember I am blooming NOW, even when I do not see it. On my 26th birthday, May 14, 2008, I have flowers all over me because of God's goodness in my life. Thank you O Lord for blessing me with another year of LIFE through You! Thank you that you can grow beautiful blossoms out of places where sorrow once was. Thank you that you can make beauty from ashes.

I blog, therefore I am.

welcome, mes amis, to my first ever blogspot blog.
to be quite honest, I really cannot predict how 'successful' it will be.
I'm so busy these days that I can barely keep up the comings and goings of life (haven't made it to small group in WEEKS --thank you consecutive papers!) and I shouldn't even be writing this post right now, but for some reason, I'm suddenly inspired to join the blogosphere so here we go.

one thing that's startlingly new for me is this whole 'living alone deal'. my roommate Nikki just moved out over the weekend, since she's on the semester system (I'm on quarters) and they get done a lot earlier than us. so now I am on my own from now until mid august, and this is a first for me. I've never lived alone before; always been with roommate(s) or family, so it feels strange. I particularly don't enjoy living alone (whenever roommates would leave for a week here and there in the past I realized I'd rather have someone around than not) because I'm more of a social being by nature. as long as I have my own little hideaway room, which I do, I'm good.

in any event, today is day 2 and I didn't burn the place down so snaps for me!

another new thing: I'm turning 26 in two days...when did that happen?
I still can't believe I'm 25...
turns out I share the same birthday with George Lucas, David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, and this guy Duncan from Liberti Fishtown.

well once again, I've managed to stay up past midnight, something I'm good at.
Tomorrow will be a long one so I better jump into bed now.
Cheers!