Wednesday, May 28, 2008

no matter where I go you're in my bones.

*this is from something I posted a few weeks ago from facebook, but needs to see the light of blogspot ---just a lil summary for any interested folks!*

I firmly believe that when you're an artist, of ANY form, creativity/inspiration/wha
tever you wanna call it comes to you at some of the most unexpected and inconvenient times, and you have no choice but to get it all out and down on paper or onto the computer screen before it escapes you forever.

That's pretty much what's happening here.

I've been meaning to write about this for over a month now, but the spare time to organize my thoughts in this wonderful public setting has continued to evade me ---much to my frustration.

I'm nearly finished my first year of grad school (so hard to believe) and I'm really really thankful. Not only am I thankful to be nearly done that first year, I'm extremely thankful to be IN grad school and learning from many top notch professionals and educators. I'm thankful to have some pretty fantastic (and hilarious) people in my program that make me laugh in every class (and I them!!). I'm thankful to be about 45 minutes away from some of the people I've lived about a 5 hour plane ride away from during the past 7 years (and sometimes a 12 hour plane ride) namely my parents, sister, and extended family. And also, I'm really really thankful that there's only one more year of school after this one.

I spent part of 2006 and 2007 (about a year all together) in a wonderful time of life we call TRANSITION. yup, a whole year. Its not like I didn't do anything, cause I did. I lived with my cousins in Los Angeles, met some great friends through my life group at Christian Assembly, nannied for an awesome 6 yr old and equally talented 11 yr old, visited santa barbara, san fransisco, and san diego again, and lots of trips to orange county of course! Most importantly, I decided what was next and where I was going to go to school. That was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make in my life. Maybe it actually WAS the hardest, now that I think about it. Looking back, I don't even know how I actually MADE that decision. I just remember agonizing over and over and over about it. Finally, I chose Drexel and then I felt quietness inside, but in a good way. Really though, it was just the calm before the storm.

Things are hitting me now...reality that is. I said goodbye to a lot back there, in california. Upon driving away from my two "kids" Rachel and Ben for the last time at their house, I was surprised by my own flood of tears. Those two rascals drove me NUTS at times and probably I them (for not letting them get away with things all the time), we really bonded. All of my FAMILY out French cousin and her husband with whom we had our weekly dinner + 24 nights + nonstop laughter, my little 2 yr old cousin Vienna from whom i was learning Armenian from (she's ridiculously smart and could actually translate between Armenian and English), my cousins Irene and Gerry who graciously opened their home to me, and my wonderful cousin Diane whom I simply ADORE. She's the big sister I never had, until we became roommates when I moved to Los Angeles after graduating from college. And not to forget all my amazing friends who I miss fiercely even now, ones from undergrad and new ones that I met in unexpected places and ways.
But oh, california. You had stolen my heart from day one. And you didn't really have to even try because you had one major, powerful, gets-me-anytime secret weapon: the ocean.

I just can't stand to be away from it. I think I would die if I had to live in Kansas, unless it was just for the summer where I could tag along with some storm chasers. But the ocean is like my lifeline. I feel like I have some weird connection with it. I think my parents were dead on in giving me the name that they did. Meredith means "from the sea".
But then there's the palm trees, the desert, the mountains, the SUN and its warmth... HOME. its in my bones.

No matter where you go, you're always missing someone or something. A LOT. at least this has been my experience. its hard for me at times, cause I'm such a sucker when it comes to my emotions and memories and people I love. Sometimes I wish I could just feel no emotions at all or at least be very seldom affected, but then I guess I wouldn't be me at all anymore. And that's definitely not ok with me!!! and probably not with many other people either. Still though, I hate goodbyes. I dread those times in my life where I feel like I don't belong anywhere or to anyone...where I feel like I don't have much control or idea about what is going to happen next. They inevitably do happen. Especially when you tend to not live in the same place year after year after year after year doing the same thing day after day after day. At the end of the day though, i wouldn't trade my life for anything. I just wouldn't.

So back to my original reason for writing this first and extremely lengthy wasn't supposed to a trip down memory lane, but more like reflections on "life w/ grad school" type of deal. While I'm missing so many of the people and things I described above, I am also missing a few other things, like a social life, time for creative/artistic stuff I love to do, and an income. maybe just...independency? Its weird cause I'm 25, living in the supposedly free des Etats Unis, with a car and access to education and many other resources, but I DON'T feel very free. I mean, I shouldn't even be sitting here and WRITING this right now ---I'm supposed to be...being productive.
I feel like those parts of me are sleeping or dormant at the moment or something and when that happens, I don't feel quite like "me" anymore. its weird and sad and new and exciting and scary all at once.

you'll go backwards, but then, you'll go forwards again.

Thank you Coldplay song that ironically sounds a lot like radiohead.

well, with all that said, I guess I'm learning everyday that its okay if I don't really have time to paint or keep learning guitar and play it for the old people or sew or host fun parties for friends or skateboard on lunchbreaks at the beach or go to a bazillion concerts or free movie screenings or be in southern california. It doesn't mean I'll never be able to do those things again, I will, but right now they have to be put on the backburner for the most part, for a season.

so friends, there's a crazy long update for you, for those that have been hungry for some news from the captivating and elusive world of meredith munro. I miss and love you all very much and I hope this note finds you well and smiling! cheers.


Wendy Melchior said...

for the artist, just "taking in life" for a season (or many seasons) is productive because you are learning to see the world, experiment with it, and translate it into your art. You are not artistically dormant, you are gathering for those unexpected moments of brilliance.

Meredith Rachel Munro said...

thanks wendy! that means a lot to me!

Mike said...

To quote a friend of mine, "If we focus too much on the art-world, then we end up missing out on the world that we're giving that art to." Right now you're spending time living so you can eventually spend time creating. No worries, an artist is always an artist ;)