Cause That's Where a Ranger's Gonna Be!

Don't bother asking me how my vacation went, because I have no idea. I slept through most of it. And no, I didn't spend too much time at happy hour or getting my benzos on. 14 days later and about 12-14 pounds lighter I'm barely coming up to breathe again. But don't worry Los Angeles, I still love you.

Though I managed to get a viewing of Inception in first, I came THIS close to having to get my tonsils out earlier this week, as my Armenian doctor scowled down at my throat and barked about how bad it looked. Lucky for me though, somehow the new antibiotic she gave me started to work--apparently against all odds--and my dreaded tonsilectemy could wait a few more weeks/months (depending on how much I was willing to hedge my bets). Finally this unrelenting bacteria infection in my tonsils showed us a peek of its achilles heel, and I collasped on my bed at my cousins' house with relief. And didn't move. For about another 6 days.

The thing about being sick is, you wanna have good people and things around you. Now, I am on my paid vacation currently in LA, staying with family. My parents happen to be out here right now as well. Does it suck being bedridden on vacation in your favorite place that you waiting all year for? Definitely. Would it be way more awesome if I wasn't sitting at home typing this as the rest of my family went out to the cheesecake factory at the Americana? Yup! Would I rather be anywhere else right now? No way. My cousin is like my big sister, and doesn't get grossed out by all my weird symptoms and selflessly drives me to the doctors everyday and picks up what I need. My parents have come over several times to bring me more things, including flowers!! :) and helped me push back my ticket so I can fly home with them this wednesday on a direct flight instead of tomorrow. I'm in my most favorite city in a beautiful house with my own room that leads onto a roof terrace.

Basically what I've concluded is: I'm gonna be a zombie, I'd rather be one in LA.

So admist all fatigue, pain, and disappointment of a vacation that ended up being not at all what was planned, I'm now sitting up, drinking sprite, blogging (less than a year later yay!!) and loving the view of palm trees outside my window. This time has been like a strange dejavu to when I got REALLY sick a little less than a year ago at thanksgiving. Well, God, I'm still a very thankful woman. Probably a lot more because of the rough times such as these. If it weren't for them I'd see You very differently (and shallowly) and my heart would be much heavier.

And for those of you that got the random Walker Texas Ranger theme song lyrics texts the past few days, I do not apologize.

When Music Says It Better.

Lately I am dry of inspiration and color.
I am either so flooded with words/thoughts I'd rather not be or empty of the ones that feel more like me and Him. Or rather Him through me.

Sometimes, music says it better when you currently have nothing from your own drawing board.

Back and forth, the same,
Be careful how you frame
Your argument, your argument.

We been giving all we can
And it finally showed the end
Of our tolerance, our tolerance.

I know it's hard to say, we’ll throw it all away,
But the odds are we'll be better off.

And it’s a painful thought to try another start

But the odds are we’ll be better off

Cast another vote in our sad terminal
Democracy, democracy.
The word is out on us, we have gone delirious,
The floor is falling out from under us, it always does.

I know it's hard to say, we’ll throw it all away,
But the odds are we'll be better off.

And it’s a painful thought to try another start

But the odds are we’ll be better off.


Thanks Mutemath.

You're Worth Dying For.

I spent a lot of time with married couples this weekend.

Some, on their wedding day, some on their honeymoon, and some had been married for 4+ years.

Everybody had stories to share, that were beautiful and unique and reflected God's own Love and Goodness. One such story even included rainbows on the day of the proposal, wedding, etc.

Anyway, the actual wedding that I went to on Friday night was absolutely beautiful. I know people say this about ALL weddings, as each one has their own aspects of beauty, but this one was different. It was simple, surprising, and the emotion was so raw and genuine I felt overwhelmed with tears of joy. It was such a reflection of God's passion for His bride, the church, you and me, and I could feel that presence in the room during the ceremony. During the Homily, one of the pastors talked about this, and how there is a sacrificing of oneself for the highest good of their husband/wife.

That Love is am amazing, wonderful thing but it costs, everything.

Just as it cost Jesus everything when he laid down his life for his bride, because she is worth dying for.

You're worth dying for.

If you're a woman who is dating someone right now, what kind of man is he? Does he demonstrate that he's the kind of man that would die for you?
What is his posture toward the world? Does he serve, or is he waiting to be served?
Does he believe that he's owed something? That he's been shortchanged, that he's gotten the short end of the stick, that life owes him something?
Or is he out to see what he can give?
Does he see himself as being here to make the world a better place?
Does he have liquid Agape running through his veins?
What does he expect of you? Does he want all of you without his having to give all of him? Can you tell him anything? Is he safe? Can he be trusted?
Can you open up to him, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, knowing that he will protect, not exploit that vulnerability?
Are you opening up like a flower?

(taken and SLIGHTLY adapted from Rob Bell's book "Sex God")

because you're worth dying for.

At this wedding on friday around sunset, they read a beautiful responsive reading about Love from Thomas A Kempis' "The Imitation of Christ". It was one of the most passion-filled, accurate and inspiring pieces I've ever read about Love and I want to be saturated with it, cultivate and am continuing challenge myself to live it out in my own relationships.

Here is the responsive reading:

A wonderful thing is love. A mighty good indeed, for love alone makes every burden light, and endures with calmness all the roughness of the world. For it bears a burden without being burdened, and makes all that is bitter sweet and delicious. Love insists on being free, and a stranger to all worldly affections, lest its inward sight should be hindered, lest it should be held back by temporal misfortune.

Enlarge my heart with love, that I may learn to see how sweet it is to love and be consumed by love.

Nothing is sweeter than love, nothing stronger, nothing loftier, nothing wilder, nothing pleasanter, nothing richer or better, in heaven or on earth, because love is born of God, and can find its rest in God alone, above all created things.

Love knows no bounds but burns with boundless fervor.

Love feels no burden, counts no cost; longs to do even more than it is able for, and never pleads impossibility. Love is always watchful: though it sleeps it does not wish to sleep; though hard pressed it feels no constraint: though frightened it is not overwhelmed. But, like the living flame of a burning torch, it points upward, and passed unharmed through everything in its way.

Let me be possessed by love, let me rise above myself in an ecstasy of love.
Let me love thee far more than myself, and myself only for Thee.

Love is active, sincere, dutiful, pleasant, and delightful; strong, patient, faithful, prudent, steadfast, courageous and free from all self-seeking. Love is careful, humble, and sturdy; not weak or giddy or taken up with trifles. Love is sober, chaste, calm and guarded in every feeling. The loving soul will gladly embrace for the sake of the Beloved all that is hard and bitter, and will not turn away from Him on account of any difficulty that may stand in the way.

Wherever Thou, o Lord God, all-holy lover of my soul, drawest near to me, my whole being is filled with joy!

When is the time to trust?

Life isn't the easiest when you're "betwixt and between" as my mom likes to put it. Aka, "in transition." My favorite.

So I will save original thoughts, updates, and photos for later, but for now, here is a copy of the entry for July 21 from L.B. Cowman's faith-based devotional Streams in the Desert.
(how ironic).

July 21

There are three levels of faith in the Christian experience. The first is being able to believe only when we see some sign or have some strong emotion. Like Gideon, we feel the fleece and are willing to trust God if it is wet. This may be genuine faith but it is imperfect. It is continually looking to feelings or some other sign instead of the Word of God. We have taken a great step toward maturity when we trust God without relying on feelings. It is more of a blessing when we believe without experiencing any emotion. While the first level of faith believes when our emotions are favorable, the second believes when all feelings are absent. And the third level transcends the other two, for it is faith that believes God and His Word when circumstances, emotions, appearances, people, and human reason all seem to urge something to the contrary. Paul exercised this level of faith when he said, "When neither sun nor stars appeared for many days and the storm continued raging, we finally ave up all hope of being saved" (Acts 27:20), then nevertheless went on to say, "Keep up your courage, men, for I have faith in God that it will happen just as he told me" (Acts 27:25)

May God grant us faith to completely trust His Word, even when every other sign points the other way.

When is the time to trust?
Is it when all is calm,
When waves the victor's palm,
And life is one glad psalm of joy and praise?
No! For the time to trust is when the waves beat high,
When storm clouds fill the sky,
And prayer is one long cry, "Oh, help and save!"

When is the time to trust?
Is it when friends are true? Is it when comforts woo?
And in all we say and do we meet but praise?
No! For the time to trust is when we stand alone,
And summer birds have flown,
And every prop is gone, all else but God.

When is the time to trust?
Is it some future day, when you have tried your way,
And learned to trust and pray by bitter woe?
No! for the time to trust is this moment's need,
Poor, broken, bruised reed!
Poor troubled soul, make speed to trust your God.

When is the time to trust?
Is it when hopes beat high?
When sunshine gilds the sky?
And when joy and ecstasy fill all the heart?
No! For the time to trust is when our joy has fled!
When sorrow bows the head,
And all is cold and dead.
All else but GOD.

Not Resurfacing ....Yet.

I know it's been a looooooong time since I've come around here, and I promise I have a valid excuse... it's all grad school's fault.

The past few weeks have just been ridiculous! the amount of work I'm supposed to do...and the time given...just not possible. I'm sorry. I know it must sound like I'm whining but I'm just stating the facts. I'm mad stressed and overwhelmed.

I've had blog entry ideas come to me here and there, but no time to really write them. It will all have to wait for now. Recently my home has been the library or cosi where I can enjoy some chill atmosphere and yummy food.

I think the end of March will afford me a small break.

In any event, here's some recent tidbits:

-one of my favorite people and mentors, Susan E. Isaacs, has a book coming out this month called "Angry Conversations With God: A Snarky But Authentic Spiritual Memoir"
It's already gotten top reviews from Jim Gaffigan (actor and comedian), Donald Miller (author of Blue Like Jazz), and Tony Hale (actor who played "Buster" on ever so amazing "Arrested Development"). You should do yourself a favor and check it out!

-I'm missing California like woah. Nothing set in stone but...serious serious possibility I may move back in the near future!

-Only about 3 months to go until graduation. It can't some soon enough!

-I'm starting to become even more and more of an actual believer in this whole concept of 'God's timing'. f'real f'real.

-I love this prangstgrup gang on youtube. while my undergrad experience was a blast and full of pranks, we weren't quite THIS awesome:

Resurfacing

Between the craziness of final exams and the holidays, I've barely had time to write. However, I have had plenty of time to think, feel, laugh, enjoy, and soak up a little bit more of life in general.

Aside from spending time with good friends, in town and out of town, I went to see 5 films in the theater.

They were:

The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, Doubt, Yes Man, The Reader, and Seven Pounds.

It's a lot, I know!!
I wasn't planning to see that many. Maybe 2 at the most. Normally, I'm not one to hit the movie theater every friday night, or even once a month for that matter. I can't claim to be a film buff or anything, but I really enjoy good films with amazing musical scores, rock solid acting, and heavy with themes, suspense, or thought provoking commentary about life that hangs with you for the rest of the week. I also tend to like sad films, where everything doesn't always work out ok, neatly tied up with a bow stamped on top. Cause thats not how real life is. If a movie makes me tear up or get goosebumps (the good kind, not the scared kind), that means I really really liked it.

With the exception of Yes Man, these movies were particularly dark, sad, and intense, but nonetheless hopeful, inspiring, and full of riveting performances and musical scores.

Two of these films, The Boy in the Striped Pajamas & The Reader, were about the Jewish Holocaust and its unbearable tragedy. I couldn't believe the ending in 'Pajamas'. Actually I won't give it away although I originally planned to discuss it....it's just too...insane. but oh so real. any alternative ending just would not have worked. Just go see it.

Doubt: its like watching a play on a screen. which is basically how it was born, because it is a play turned into a film. Amazing performances by Philip Seymour Hoffman (when has he ever let us down?), Meryl Streep, Amy Adams, and Viola Davis. Not a theater must-see, but definitely worth renting or net-flixin'

Yes Man: Heck Yes! Jim Carrey, always a pleasure. Murray from Flight of the Conchords -"prisint". Funny, cute, inspiring, I think a little therapeutic for us all. Basically the whole thing was filmed in Silverlake, Los Angeles, so I was constantly whispering to poor Eric during this one and excitedly pointing to the screen every time they went to a new scene and I saw more of my old stomping grounds: Spaceland, Elysian Park, Griffith Observatory, etc. I think I walked out of that new york city theater even more sure that I'm....probably going to move back oneday soon. I love the southwest.

The Reader: pretty racy at some points, considering it's about an affair between a 30's ish woman and 15 year old boy in Berlin 1958. Love love love Kate Winslet, but that's just me. She is so convincing. It was so impressive the way they aged her character. At one point, she's playing a 66 year old woman across from Ralph Fiennes' 40's character and in reality, it's reversed, as Winslet is in her early 30's and Fiennes is 46.

Seven Pounds: wowza. talk about intense. I had a hard time keeping quiet during this one. Will Smith was spectacular. I wish they went into his backstory more. I found myself wanting to get more inside his head. Is that just the therapist in me? Such a killer movie title. I want to name my first born after it. Or least have it be the kid's weight.

Classes start this week. I have 5 of them.

I just got Rob Bell's and Don Golden's latest book today in the mail "Jesus Wants to Save Christians". I read the back cover and started feeling all giddy. It's almost 1am and I haven't even finished reading Sex God, Rob Bell's other book, but I'm determined to start Jesus Wants to Save Christians tonight too.
Here's the back cover sneakpeek:

There is a church in our area that recently added an addition to their building which cost more than $20 million. Our local newspaper ran a front-page story not too long ago revealing that one in five people in our city lives in poverty.

This is a book about those two numbers.

It's a book about faith and fear, wealth and war, poverty, power, safety, terror, Bibles, bombs, and homeland insecurity; it's about empty empires and the truth that everybody's a priest; it's about oppression, occupation, and what happens when Christians support, animate, and participate in the very things Jesus came to set people free from.

It's about what it means to be a part of the church of Jesus in a world where some people fly planes into buildings while others pick up groceries in Hummers.

Yes.

"No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible."

-Voltaire.

This week I've been very pensive.

Such a momentous historic event of seeing the first African-American individual elected as President is not short of inspiring for thought, whether you voted for the man or not. I've seen this election bring out a lot of facets of us human beings, and sadly, it's been very polarizing as it's been unifying. I've been saddened to see the conflict and heated disagreement around me, fear-mongering (a 2012 letter by you know who!!!!) single-issue voting, and an understandable despair about our current economic prognosis and what ought to be done about it.

So, ok. Welcome to the Human Race. We conflict, we don't see things the same way, and we often hurt each other in the process. Sometimes in epic proportions.

But all of this leaves me thinking about conflict and what do we do about it and what really is conflict resolution? Where does forgiveness fit into that?

Last night I went to an event put on by The Gospel and Culture Project which included viewing award-winning documentary "As We Forgive" about the 1994 genocide in Rwanda followed by a discussion with Rwandan nationals, a professor from Westminster Theological Seminary, and psychologist Diane Langberg, whom I'd been dying to meet!! The documentary asks the question: Could you forgive the person(s) who murdered your family? It follows the reconciliation efforts of a community, specifically in the lives of two genocide survivors, Rosaria and Chantale, who come face-to-face with the men who killed their families, as the men are released back into the very communities they once helped to destroy. Completely powerful and heartwrenching, this film was actually a student academy award winner for Best Documentary for 2008.

There were many aspects of the film and the discussion that followed that are worthy of talking about and digesting more. I was so glad to have discovered an organization that is excited to create a place for dialogue about tough issues and a learning environment for people who are passionate about how the Gospel and Culture intersect. But the thing that grabbed me the most was how counterintuitive this idea of reconciliation after a genocide like that seemed. I mean, for real? These people slaughtered innocent families. moms. dads. CHILDREN. Is their confession and repentance genuine? What would real reconciliation look like? Could victims and perpetrators coexist and live in the same communities again, as they once did prior to the genocide?

I'm not gonna go into all the history and complexity of this tragic event...I feel like right now that stuff is beyond me and it was definitely not a one-time, you disrespected me type of transaction. In the same token, I don't believe that forgiveness is the one-time, begrudging transaction many of us were lead to think it is either. Time, grieving, and divine help is a major player here.

How is that for conflict for you? I'm not attempting to speak into the lives of all humanity to tell them must immediately reconcile with people that have wronged them, especially in such monumental ways. Though there is a true freeing that often comes for the one doing the forgiving, honestly I can't begin to fathom what I would do or how I would respond if I were in those women's shoes. But this really challenges me in looking at conflict and the issues of forgiveness and conflict resolution in perhaps a different light.

I believe that we will not see complete harmony and justice in their perfection on this earth; we are a very broken people. I do believe we get glimpse's of it amongst each other at times, and Jesus gave us the ultimate picture of Love, Sacrifice, Forgiveness, and Freedom in Him. Thankfully, His Father and our Creator is the perfect judge whose throne is built on justice, righteousness and mercy, and one day we WILL see justice through Him. But in the meantime, how DO we love our neighbor as ourselves? How do you turn the other cheek? How do you forgive your trespassers? How do we live with people we disagree with and not necessarily be set on trying to change them?

One of my family therapy professors says that all couples and families experience conflict; it is the successful ones that can resolve it. Initially, I interpreted this as meaning that resolution meant, "I've convinced you of my correctness, you are now on my side, we see eye to eye, or even vice versa". I'm starting to think that maybe it may look like this at times, but real conflict resolution is being able to live with the differences, and the flaws (cause we all have em folks) and LOVING EACH OTHER THROUGH THE CONFLICT.

This is my challenge to myself. This is my call to arms.
The arms that hug, that is :-)

Underoath: In Regards to Self (love them!!)

Wake up wake up my God this is not a test
And it's not too late to come clean
Get it off your chest
So steady your hand before your face and concentrate
There's got to be some stable ground left to walk on

So tear another page from the book
Are you asleep or just alone
Clear this room from your lungs
And pull yourself together man

On your back, you're sleeping in a bed of shame
Let the light breathe some new life into this room
It's what keeps you coming back
Made up of insatiable taste
Bury your head in your hands and sink into yourself

Just what are you so afraid of
You're staring truth in the face, so come on down

You're busy living now aren't you
You're busy making vows
You're coming unglued
Time is shorter than you know
I know the light is blinding to the naked eye
So why don't you take steps away from being alone
I swear it's not too late for you

It's all worth reaching for the hand to pull you out
Wake up and step outside your box
Wake up

The Day After Change

I know it's been awhile since I've written and in the near future I'd like to change that. Somehow life and internship work in particular has made that more difficult for me than I'd like, but after the day of such a historic election, I wanted to leave you with some words and encouragement that one of my favorite people had to say:

this is from the blog of wendy melchior once again! :)

After all the hype of yesterday – long lines at polling centers and election results rolling in – I woke up today and everything inside my bedroom looks the same.

I’m glad we voted yesterday in a historic election. But today, let’s:

Use less
Love someone who is unlovable
Listen longer
Take time to pray
Pick up some trash that we didn’t drop
Give up something we want in order to bless someone else, whether he or she has earned it or not
Respect both the winner and the loser
Advance peace

Change is more than rhetoric. Regardless of who you voted for, it’s time to move. It was never really about one man anyway.

Burdens Into Blessings

A couple of riveting news stories today caught my eye while I was workin on my fitness this afternoon at the gym. One was about a father-son rescue from being in the open waters of the Atlantic for 12 hours off the Florida Coast. For hours there was no rescue signs or helicopters or boats insight and they were at the mercy of a rip-tide. The 12-year-old son, Christopher, is autistic and mostly nonverbal except for being able to recite some catchphrases from some of his favorite Disney movies. Christopher and his 46-year-old father, Walter, shouted some of these back and forth to each other as they fought to stay alive and waited to be rescued on the open sea. "To infinity!" Dad shouted, "And beyond!" came his son's reply. Christopher's autism allowed to him not have fear in this situation because of his fascination with water and its soothing effect on him. Walter says Christopher's laughing and giddiness during this frightening situation is what help to keep him relatively calm and hopeful himself during moments when it all seemed like a lost cause. Eventually after getting separated from each other and fighting against stinging jellyfish, the two were rescued by the coast guard and reunited. You can watch the father's reaction to the coast guard in the aftermath as he thanks them and yells "the coast guard ROCKS!!"


The second story was much more tragic. Five years ago this week, husband and father of 4 Robert Rogers lost his wife and young children to drowning when a flash flood swept their minivan off a Kansas highway in September of 2003. Rogers, a former mechanical engineer, now spends his time traveling around the country speaking to people about finding hope in the midst of tragedy and has dedicated himself to an extraordinary charity project: he will build 5 orphanages on 5 different continents, each in honor to one of his family members that he lost in the flood. So far, one such children's home in honor of his wife, "Melissa Home", has been opened Russia and houses 8 teenage girls. Construction on a second one has begun in Rwanda.

In the face of unthinkable loss and tragedy, Rogers has maintained that he never became bitter towards God and his faith has remained intact. He stated that he didn't see the point of being angry, but wanted to do something constructive by telling his story to others and opening the five orphanages.

Both of these stories quieted me a bit inside because I felt blown away by them. Both are stories of survival, but only one is of rescue. Both are examples of how God can turn the burdens of our lives into blessings. He can bring good out of the bad. "Even when a man lost his entire family in some freaky flashflood?" I asked myself today..YES.

And how a parent must feel when their child is diagnosed with Autism...I can only imagine. Surely there are worse things, but this one can be daunting nonetheless. It amazes me to think about how the fact that it was 12 year old Christopher's 'illness' or 'disability' that helped him and his father to survive those harrowing 12 hours out to sea. together and apart.

Furthermore, I felt blown away by Robert Roger's reaction to the unspeakable loss he has endured. Though he STILL grieves and cries for his loss years later, he is/was not bitter. or angry, or wtf God! Would I react like that? Would I remain strong in my knowledge of who God is? I am being challenged today about these things, but also reminded about how mighty He is in the midst of any circumstance we might face.

I encourage you to read the rest of the news stories in their fullness via the links I've included. They are rich with emotion and inspiration.

burdens into blessings.
this has been my prayer for the troubles I've been facing and I have seen Him do it.

Will the Real McShady Please Stand Up?

Sophocles said it's better to "die with honor than to succeed with fraud."

My wise, witty, Dr.-House-resembling supervisor recently added that "the narcissist only wants you to hold up the mirror for him." (we love u J!)

In an ever-morphing world of relational trends and practices, tonight I'm thinking about what it means to have honor, integrity, and basically be the opposite of SHADY.

Let's face it. Nobody likes a player, nobody wants to be mislead, nobody wants to get their hopes up only to be crushed out of nowhere. But we still do it. We still think the person will change and WE will be the catalyst. It probably takes a couple of let-downs to learn how to walk away early on.

I just got off the phone with a very perplexed female friend who recently had the whole relationship 180 thing happen to her. We talked about the signs and symptoms of this guy, who randomly started doing the whole "not calling when they said they would" deal, "working late", "on call", "you're overreacting", blah blah blah and the list goes on. Most of us have experienced this before, and while not the most grievous of offenses, it still leaves us with a WTF feeling.

This is something I see a lot with wonderful girl friends of mine (guys too) and I've had it happen to me as well. I'm not all up in arms about it, but I'm puzzled. It just seems like a colossal waste of time. Why so much shadyness? Are people really that unclear about what they want or are they so disconnected from considering the feelings of others? Do we blame technology for turning us into people who are secretly relieved to stay anonymous and distant behind our computer screens?

Maybe this isn't a more recent trend among young men and women. Maybe it's been like this always and all I know is "my time" in the early twenty-first century. But talking to my smart, funny, cute friend tonight and listening to her story reminded me of some of my stories, and how this kind of hollow behavior still makes zero sense.

It also makes me completely grateful and joyful that Life is MORE than this stuff, than the McShadesters and their shady ways. It's bigger than the hurt and disappointment people cause one another, because He who created me is for me and Mighty to save.

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

So anyone that's talked with me beyond the small talk knows that it hasn't exactly been my week. I've had different people cancel on me last minute 2 days in a row, and then I had to cancel my own new york plans this weekend because of work. so bummed about that! but life goes on, and I know I will see my cancellation friends soon.

I don't necessarily want my writings on here to become a place for deep personal and emotional sharing, ...or maybe I do... but right now it's not the habit I want to cultivate for this blog. today will be a bit of an exception.

I had some time today to myself after my early morning doctors appointment and so I stopped by my parents' house and sat in the backyard. our cat that we just had to put down not that long ago is buried there. I know he's "just a pet" but I miss him to pieces everyday. if you've ever had a pet you know what I'm talking about.

I was writing and thinking and praying and trying to just sit with and face some of the gloominess running through me from this week, since some old fears/struggles had come back to haunt me again. While I was sitting there I was reminded of these words someone had said me to about a year ago while sitting in a park in Santa Monica while overlooking the ocean:

"I'm SO excited that you exist."

As happy as I was in that moment, these words still wound me today when I am reminded of them. even if not as intensely, any at all is too much. I believed this person at the time and of course this is only a small part of the story, but at the end of the day their words and actions didn't match up. And I realized I should have shaken the dust off my boots and walked away a lot sooner.

Its strange how deep words can cut. how long things can linger.

But it really made me think, do I believe God when He says about me "I'm SO excited that you exist!!" ...do I believe that He says that about me? that He loves me not because He 'has to' love me by default or because I am just there, because I am one of his special and beloved ones? days like today I struggle to feel it.

from an underoath song:

So hold your head up high and know it's not the end of the road
Walk down this beaten path before you pack your things and head home
At the end of the road you'll find what you've been longing for

I know 'cause my feet have scars to show
I was lost with vague direction and no place to call home

Now is the time for you to press on
This is not your war
Set your sights due North and press on
This is not your escape
Wash away what they thought of you
Because in this place, we're all as good as dead
end cycle

Behind the mask you'll find yourself alone
It's not the end of the road for you
At the end of the road, you'll find what you've been longing for

Bamboo Birthday

When I was in St. Lucia for spring break in March (I KNOW!) my family and I went on a rainforest hike that lasted about 4 hours, and included a waterfall plunge and actual RAIN keeping us drenched and cool. How ironic. Anyway, at some point during the hike the guide stopped by a thicket of bamboo and shared some fascinating facts that I had never heard before. Bamboo can grow up to 18 inches IN A DAY and is as durable as steel. It only blossoms every 100 years or so, and right after the bamboo blossoms, it dies.

Of course, this probably isn't across the board for all species of this incredible plant, but nonetheless I was fascinated by this. How crazy is it, that the bamboo could spend its whole life, just growing and growing, and when it finally comes time to blossom, its at the end of its life. If only you are so lucky to be around at the right time during that 100 year or so lifespan to see the beauty at the very end.
This makes me think of how I am also something God created that is still growing, sometimes it feels like 18 inches in a day, other times 18 inches in 2 years but regardless I need to have patience. Will I be 100 when I finally bloom? Who will be around to see it? Sometimes I wonder these things, but then I remember I am blooming NOW, even when I do not see it. On my 26th birthday, May 14, 2008, I have flowers all over me because of God's goodness in my life. Thank you O Lord for blessing me with another year of LIFE through You! Thank you that you can grow beautiful blossoms out of places where sorrow once was. Thank you that you can make beauty from ashes.